When Kids Resist Responsibility

Parents often tell me that when they encourage their child to take on small responsibilities at home, like packing a lunch or carrying a backpack, the child flatly refuses. It can be frustrating, and it can leave parents wondering if the advice they are hearing is realistic.

The truth is, children are naturally motivated to take part in their own lives. From their earliest days, they work tirelessly to walk, talk, and feed themselves, all without being asked. That drive to learn and master new skills is within them. Over time though, the balance between what a child can do and what adults step in to do for them can shift.

Take toddlerhood. The work of the child is to put on and take off their shoe five times before going out the door. The toddler is in no rush and is following their own will for mastery. The adult, on the other hand, has somewhere to be. So what happens? The adult scoops up the toddler, puts the shoe on quickly and tightly, and hands over a fidgety toy that has no purpose in the real world except to keep the child distracted. The message is clear: your work is not important. And when children are not given the chance to practice, they learn they cannot do it.

Fast forward a few years. Imagine a child who never has to open their car door or carry their own backpack. Each time it is done for them, the message is reinforced: you cannot do this. When that child finally faces the moment of walking to the classroom with their big backpack, the feelings of overwhelm come rushing in. “It’s too heavy! I can’t do it!” These moments are not proof that the child refuses to grow. They are signals that the child has been discouraged and now needs time and practice to rebuild confidence.

So what do we do when children resist responsibility? We start by noticing our role. Instead of meeting resistance with shame or frustration, we can acknowledge how easy it is for these habits to form, and the part we have played in forming them. Parenting is messy. None of us get it perfect. The important part is to take a fresh look and begin giving responsibility back to the child, little by little, in ways that help them rediscover their capability.

And when tears or struggles come, we meet them with compassion. These are not failures. They are part of the learning process. The child is learning to take care of themselves, and at the same time, they are watching us learn to step back. That makes us both student and teacher, and there is something powerful in holding both roles.

Parenting will always have tough moments. But when we approach resistance with patience, self-compassion, and trust in the child’s natural drive to grow, we create space for our children to surprise us. They are far more capable than we sometimes let them be.